she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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