1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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