I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
