apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
