I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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