You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
