I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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