I got chris browned last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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