you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
