Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
