I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
