I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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