By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
