When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
