If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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