Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
