You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize