my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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