We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
