My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
