I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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