oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
