i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
