ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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