I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
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