so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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