Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
