i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
