I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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