After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
