My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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