i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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