She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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