If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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