FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
