You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
