I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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