I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
