Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
