I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
