i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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