dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
