After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you inspire me to be a worse person
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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