when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
