I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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