She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
