A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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