Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
