I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want her autograph on my taint
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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