I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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