I wish my penis had an off switch
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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