take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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