gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
