In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
