somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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