Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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