so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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