Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
