Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
