at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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