I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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