how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just invented taco cereal.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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