dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Drunk is a universal language darling
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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