I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
