I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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